Changing Behavior

"Joseph! It drives me crazy that you NEVER put the dishes in the dishwasher! Can you PLEASE put the dishes in the dishwasher!"

This was after dinner. We had both worked all day. Joseph made a very nice dinner, collected the plates, and put them....in the sink.

I didn't really yell. We don't yell at each other. It was more of a whiny, "Baaaaaabe. Can you please, for once, put the dishes in the dishwasher?"

But still. It was rude.

He looked at my with his hazel eyes (at the time they were more brown than green) and said very quietly, "It hurt my feelings when you are always pointing out what I do wrong."

I was being mean to this boy, who drops everything to help me when I am having a computer problem (the freaking printer just WON'T print for me, no idea why). He will get me my towel when I am in the shower, so that it is available when I'm done (never remember to grab it for some reason). When I first wake up he will give me a very cheery, "Good morning!" and when I grunt in return, he laughs and tells me I am an adorable morning grump. He makes me lunch to take to work, and if I'm lucky he includes a love note.

I felt so bad. I immediately apologized, thanked him for the nice dinner and for the fact that he did clean up the dishes, and then asked him nicely if he could put the dishes in the dishwasher.

That was a few days ago. Since then, I've really thought about what he said. There are better ways that we can communicate. Requests instead of demands. Appreciating what is done instead of dwelling on what is not done.

Why is it that we are meanest to the ones we care about the most?

When Joseph talked to my dad about asking me to marry him, my dad said to Joseph, "Are you sure? She's difficult."

Ouch Dad. Very ouch.

But once I stepped back from the situation and examined it, I realized he was right.

It's a large reason Joseph and I don't have children (yet...if we ever get around to it). Who wants another Deidre? HA.

But what's interesting is that Joseph really knows how to handle me. When my temper flares up and I start being obstinate, he doesn't try to make me do anything. That would cause me to dig in my heels. He talks to me quietly, tells me that if I don't want to it's OK, but he would appreciate it if I would. It melts my heart, and I immediately agree to whatever he is requesting. It was quite the interesting piece of psychology I discovered shortly after we were married.

And I have a side note. Re-reading this, it looks like Joseph does everything. I want to point out that we take turns doing the dishes. It was his turn. He cooks and in exchange I clean the bathrooms (he has never had to scrub a toilet and he wants to keep it that way). Some people at work have a problem with the fact that Joseph makes me lunch, and to that I have to say...maybe you should re-think your sexism and get over it.

Oops, there I go being rude again.