Sunday, November 30, 2014

Joseph's Guide to Calming Crazy and Keeping Peace in the Marriage

When the wife is upset because of the dishes in the sink, stay calm. There is a sure-fire way to handle the situation.

First, immediately get up and start washing the dishes. Look repentant. Pause in the dishwashing to look into her eyes to offer a heartfelt apology. Make sure your eyes are in the appropriate puppy-dog position. Lean in for a kiss. When she offers you one with pursed, still slightly mad lips, lean back and give her a hurt look, maintaining the puppy dog eyes. Make sure your hurt look clearly conveys that you understand that it's all your fault or the hurt look will backfire. (You may want to practice this look in the mirror - it's a mixture of shame.) Listen to her as she grumbles about always doing the dishes and how she isn't your mother. Nod in sympathy. Bring up something nice that you've recently done. Watch as she tries to suppress a smile and narrows her eyes. Apologize for being a bad husband. Make sure to call her "Pretty Girl" or "Baby Girl." Watch as she tries to hold onto her anger. Her anger is getting slippery and she can't maintain the same grasp. Watch as she sighs, and says you aren't a bad husband. You're actually a pretty amazing husband. Smile at her like she has just offered you the best compliment in the world. Cock your head to the side so that she can see your dimple. When she flashes you a half smile and says that she appreciates you coming to wash the dishes, know that your work is done and you are forgiven. In about two minutes she's going to smile and give you a hug.

Leave some of the dishes "to soak." Two days later, when the wife is upset about the "soaking" dishes that still haven't been washed, repeat the above strategy. This time, you're going to have to offer a present.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

The Happenings

When J first started working from home a few years ago, he told me he wanted a sit-stand desk. It's a desk that you can push a button to raise or lower, so that you can (wait for it)...sit or stand while working. I looked up prices, saw that it was pretty expensive, and told him that if he felt the need to stand he should just go take a walk.

I recently read an article about a man who worked from home and sat at a desk all day. He was a gamer, so he continued to sit after work was over too. So basically J. The man in the article ended up getting a blood clot in his leg. He described, in excruciating detail, the medical problems he experienced and continued to experience years later, including still walking with a limp.

I texted J and told him we were getting him a sit-stand desk.

Ironically, I had just seen a sit-stand desk at Ikea that was fairly affordable. So the universe aligned.

First we had to get rid of our monstrous desk. Remember the monster (blog here)? I put it on Craigslist, thinking that a six foot long desk has a pretty limited, niche market, so it might take awhile to sell.

I got an email at 10:00 the next night. The guy wanted to know what time he could come over the next day.


So we got the desk out of the house the same way we got it in - through the window. At 10:00 at night. That's always fun.

The next day was Friday and I had to work. J texted me and told me that the guy was on his way over when I was out to lunch with a coworker. He was supposed to text me when the guy left. After about 20 minutes without a text, I was starting to get nervous. My coworker, Laura, understands that I can be neurotic about things. Like the fact that this Craigslist murder was at my house right now and my husband was in danger.

She very helpfully offered to drive by my house (we don't live far from work at all).

I thought it would be awkward to just walk up out of nowhere, so we did the next logical thing.

We did a stake-out.


We parked down the street and watched. Since the desk was in the garage, we could see everything. I had a rather good time. The fact that J was alive and well put me in a very good mood.

The guy bought the desk and left. After he stood around talking, obviously flirting with J. He did the leaning thing. Laura saw it too. I really didn't blame him; J is a very attractive man. When he flashes his dimple-grin at you, say good-bye to your knees.

After I got off work we took my Mom and Dad out to dinner as a thank you, since my Dad (appropriately named Mr. Wonderful by my Mom) helped me replace my shocks and brakes.

Side note - the broken bolt ended up being a very good thing. My Dad did take Marcus the truck to the next door mechanic, and when he started working on my truck he noticed other issues that needed to be addressed. Normally I would be suspicious of a mechanic who told me I needed additional work done, but my Dad knows about that stuff and looked at my engine when it was taken apart and agreed with the mechanic. One of the issues could have put coolant in my engine oil which would have wrecked my engine, so I am very glad the bolt snapped. It took two weeks to get my truck back, but I can tell it drives so much better now. The guy did a really good job, and because he works out of his house, it was pretty cheap.

After dinner, we went to our neighbor's house. She had come over while I was at work and asked J what kind of vine we had in our front yard because it was very pretty. I'm pretty sure that was just a distracting compliment, because then she asked J if he knew anything about computers and would he be willing to take a look at hers. J was able to fix her computer, and she was so happy she teared up a little and told us thank you at least five times. Then gave us some strawberry bread and we went home.

The next day we hung out with one of the kids we're mentoring, ran some errands, trimmed a bush, washed my truck, and then hung out with Brian and Katelyn.

I have missed this little family. It helps that we like each others' children.


Osa is in heat. She has been clingy. I wonder if she doesn't feel good, like I don't when I'm on my period.




Sunday we went to a friends' surprise birthday party and then to Sunday night dinner at my family's house.

One day at work a coworker brought donuts. I got a donut for myself and one for J. My coworker (we shall call him Bruce), came up and told me he was going to take a bite of J's donut. I told him not to, that the donut was for J, and he could have a bite of the other donut because it was mine.
Bruce: You got a donut for J?
Me: Yes. He likes donuts and I like him.
Bruce (shook his head): If you were only single.
I texted J and told him about the exchange and then I told him I am a treasure.

Tuesday after work I was sitting watching TV and J was on his computer working. The power went out for three seconds. I don't know why; it wasn't storming. I continued watching TV and J continued working...or so I thought. It wasn't until awhile later that I got up to tell him a story. I was almost done with my story when I noticed he was really stressed out. I asked him what was wrong. When the power went out it shut off his computer and he was having problems accessing his work, which he keeps on a virtual machine. The worst part was that it shouldn't have happened. When his computer was on the desk in the office, it was plugged into a surge protector that doubles as a battery. If the power goes out, the computer is still powered by the battery and he would have had time to properly shut it down. But we hadn't bought a new desk yet, so he was temporarily set up at the kitchen table and didn't have his battery-surge protector.

Luckily he figured it out, but it took him a few extra hours. He's going to have to re-write code that wasn't backed up and do some other things that sounded a bit complicated, but it wasn't too large of a catastrophe.

The good news is that I've solved his cat problems. Lilly likes to walk across his keyboard and make trouble. I told J to put a box on the table. He didn't believe me.


He's still in shock that it worked.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

The Backyard

Our backyard is not very pretty right now. Phoenix got a ton of rain this summer. I just asked J, who measures it (I'm not joking, he has a measuring thing and he tracks it on this website and it's official) and we got 6.2 inches in a few week span. That's over half our annual rainfall. And we live in a desert.

Have I mentioned that I hate the rain?

You know what the rain brings? Weeds. Mosquitoes. 

J wanted to rent a rototiller so he could plant a lawn. A clover lawn. I didn't really want to pay the money to rent one and I didn't want to go through the hassle of loading it into my truck, dragging it to the house, lugging it out of my truck, just to load it back up and return it, all within a tiny window so that I could get the cheaper rate.

My back hurt just thinking about that.

I told J I knew of a tool we could buy. 


He was understandably skeptical. We had a large area to cover.

I got it done in just a few hours, spread out over three days. I had a system. You have to space out where you dig with the tool - don't just go in a line and tear it up right next to the last hole. Space it out, and then the un-touched areas are easier. Also, twisting while pushing down makes things easier.




Do you see the weeds that are as large as bushes over to the left? Those were in the whole yard. So before I even started tearing it up with my tool, we had to take care of the weeds.


We also bought a bunch of pavers and blocks. J originally just wanted one row of blocks for a circular wall he's going to build; he needed to know where to plant the grass, so he wanted one row to judge the space. When we bought the one row, it turned out they were on sale (not marked - I hate when they do that). I figured out that if we bought all the bricks now, we could save $80. The wall bricks alternate large and small, and the large ones weigh 65 pounds. So when I started thinking about loading those onto a cart, loading them into my truck, and unloading them from my truck, I started wondering how much it would cost to have Lowe's deliver. Then once I quoted that, I wondered if it was a flat rate or if you could just have a ton of stuff delivered.

Turns out it goes up after a certain amount, but I bought the rest of the wall and all of the pavers and saved money. We just had to get the top bricks to finish the wall and that wasn't bad at all.

So we have some projects going on, but the clover lawn is coming in.







Monday, November 10, 2014

Truck Maintenance

My Dad can do anything.

I'm not even exaggerating.

So when the oil change place told me I needed new shocks and that they charge $500 - 550, I thought hmmmm. Let me talk to mi Padre. Oil change guy also told me I needed new brakes, a transmission flush, and certain other things, but I decided I would just bug my Dad about the brakes and shocks.

So on Saturday I drove to my parents' house and got dirty.

The front of my truck has rotor brakes and the back has drum.

Drum brakes are of the devil.


This isn't what my disc brakes look like. My hands were covered in grease so I wasn't taking any photos. This is some other poor person's brakes. Do you see the million little springs and such? Do you know what a pain that is taking that apart, remembering where everything goes, and then trying to put it back on? There's also a metal piece you have to disconnect from the old shoe that requires prying off a horseshoe clip (quite tricky) and the re-attaching the metal piece correctly to the new shoe. Luckily, my Dad can do anything.

My Mom took this photo and posted it on FB. She was very creative. I was hesitant about taking a photo because I really needed to wash my hair. So she took one while I was putting on the back brake pads.


 The shocks were actually pretty easy. The front had three bolts and the back had two. I had really gained confidence by the time we moved to the back and I was tightening the bolt, thinking, "Oh yeah, I can do this, the next time I bet I could just change my shocks by myself and not even bug my Dad."

And that's when the bolt snapped.

It is always fun discovering new super hero powers, but the timing just wasn't great.


You can't see it very well in the picture, but I have a bruise that's bigger than a dollar coin. It doesn't hurt too bad. I'm more upset about the fact that there is a broken bolt. My Dad said he was going to see if he could take care of it. If not, the guy next door is a mechanic. He was going to see about getting me a quote for the transmission flush and other stuff.

So Dad let me borrow his (very large monster) truck and I got my stuff together to drive home. We had washed our extremely greasy hands with the hose and that special orange cleaner. Dad said I should go wash my face. I said I was heading home and I wouldn't see anyone, I'd wash it in the shower.

Joseph's niece's birthday was in a couple hours and I still had to shower then we had to drive to Gilbert.

I was stopped at a red light and gave a homeless guy some money. Judging from his expression, I should have washed my face.


Sunday, November 9, 2014

A Day with J

I told J I wanted some Sprinkles Cupcakes. But it's a bit of a drive and you kind of need a reason to drive out there. So he said we could go shopping.

Best. Idea. Ever.

It was a nice day of just wandering around. I did not find a rug for my living room (I'm "redecorating" but it's really getting nowhere) but we did get some tennis balls for the little dog. And we did have some interesting conversations.

J: Except for that one girl. You know...that one girl...
Me: Jennifer Lawrence?
J: Yes!
Me: Why did I know that? You gave no clues.

****

Me: Oh look, mushrooms. (I love the little garden decorations.)
J: Do you like those because they look like penises?
Me:....I think you have ruined mushrooms for me.

****

Me: One of the rugs I'm looking at is jute, and I'm worried it will be rough. Do you know what jute is?
J: *scoffing* Of course I know what jute is. It's in one of my games, I use it as a building material....I just didn't realize it was real.