Reflecting

In August I was promoted to my dream job. Working on projects, completing analysis, making recommendations for process improvements.

I'm a nerd and I like it.

After a recent meeting, I was reflecting on how much I've changed. When I was a young child, I was terrified to speak out in class. Even when I knew that I knew the correct answer, I wouldn't raise my hand. What if I was wrong? I couldn't imagine anything more embarrassing.

I felt stupid if I didn't know what my classmates were talking about, so I would pretend I did. Lie even. I cringe when I think back on my childhood years and how insecure I was.

By high school I gained a little more confidence. Not much, because I dated a few losers. In college I mostly kept to myself. Classes were so large and it was such a long drive to campus from home. The friends I hung out with were usually outside of school and closer to home. I worked most weekend nights so I really didn't get into any trouble.

Then I graduated and got my first *real* job. An underwriting position with an insurance company. And I started receiving emails that may as well have been Greek. And attended meetings where three-letter-acronyms were thrown around rice on a wedding day. I vividly remember one meeting where someone from higher up (a top dog, as I like to call them) came in and on one slide it said:
UDR
HPE
DUF

Or some other such nonsense because I didn't have a clue what it said. I silently wondered if this was some sort of test. It almost seemed like the presenter looked at me, tauntingly, for my lack of knowledge. Maybe my panic showed on my face.

I do not like feeling stupid. I worked hard. I learned the contracts, how to talk to members, how to work the systems, the different nuances between states, how to process transactions, and more. It was a member-service position so I worked individual accounts and didn't have much opportunity to do projects.

And during meetings I was quiet.

I have a vivid memory of asking a question and being laughed at. When I thought about it later I realized it was a dumb question. It was Florida-related, and I didn't fully understand the background and the hostile regulations regarding home insurance in Florida. My coworkers didn't laugh to be mean, but I didn't ask any more questions during meetings after that.

Over the years my confidence grew. The new hires would ask me questions. I became a mentor and trained new hires. I still had a problem with confrontation. It's hard telling someone they are wrong, or why a certain process needs to be updated, or presenting an argument that is contrary to the argument someone else just presented. I also have a desire to be liked by people, and I felt like a jerk if I contradicted what they said.

I was promoted a few times. It was the same position, just "leveling up." One challenge is that our home office is in San Antonio, and that's where the staff teams were located. I did not want to move to San Antonio. But I also wanted to get into a staff, project-related position and away from member contact.

Technology and our company culture advanced. My manager had part of her team in Phoenix, part in Colorado, and part in San Antonio. We attended web meetings at our desk instead of a conference room. Staff positions started opening up in Phoenix. My coworkers started getting promoted into the new staff positions.

I asked what I could do to get promoted. I needed to be "more visible." I needed to speak up in meetings. My manager informed me that I was a dream employee because I knew my job and didn't need to be micro-managed, but no one else knew what a great resource I was, or the extra efforts I did outside of my normal job function.

So with a pounding heart, I started speaking up in meetings. A few times I could feel the heat on my face. I sought feedback and tried to implement what I needed to do to get promoted. I made sure I was prepared, which helped with my confidence.

And I got my chance. Once promoted, it wasn't enough to just speak up in meetings; I had to start organizing and leading them. I had to influence people so that I could be productive. I had to present in front of leadership. I was assigned to be the lead of projects and needed to delegate and produce results. These new responsibilities created some nervous feelings, but I pushed through.

I noticed that the pounding heart started to diminish. If someone asked me a difficult question or I needed to challenge someone, my face no longer looked like a tomato. I know my stuff, and I make sure I am prepared for meetings. If I don't know the answer, I don't make up BS, I admit that I will need to research and will get back with the answer. I can tell someone I don't agree with their opinion in a nice way, and provide my rationale, and not feel like a jerk.

I'm really proud of the changes I've seen in myself. It may have taken me awhile to get to where I am, but I feel like the extra time I spent in my previous role helped better prepare me for the role I'm in now. I have a thorough understanding of all the different products and our business procedures.

I still marvel over Lexi, an old coworker who left a few years ago to be a full-time mother. That girl was fearless. She knew her stuff and wasn't afraid of anyone. She was my same age, hired six months before me, and I loved hanging out with her and soaking up her confidence. One time she told me about how her husband never brushed his teeth, and she was laughing about it. I was horrified. She kissed her husband with his dirty teeth? But it also struck me, because she didn't give a damn what I thought. It wasn't embarrassing to her. It was something that, at that stage in my life, I would have never shared, but she took that information and empowered herself. It appeared that Lexi had something that came to her naturally, when I had to fight for it.

I want to live my life in a way that I am kind to other people, but not worried about their opinions. I want to be confident but not narcissistic. I want to view criticism as a learning experience and not get defensive. I want to embrace change and continue learning. I'm sure I'll always be a work in progress, but that's ok.