Joseph's Guide to Calming Crazy and Keeping Peace in the Marriage

When the wife is upset because of the dishes in the sink, stay calm. There is a sure-fire way to handle the situation.

First, immediately get up and start washing the dishes. Look repentant. Pause in the dishwashing to look into her eyes to offer a heartfelt apology. Make sure your eyes are in the appropriate puppy-dog position. Lean in for a kiss. When she offers you one with pursed, still slightly mad lips, lean back and give her a hurt look, maintaining the puppy dog eyes. Make sure your hurt look clearly conveys that you understand that it's all your fault or the hurt look will backfire. (You may want to practice this look in the mirror - it's a mixture of shame.) Listen to her as she grumbles about always doing the dishes and how she isn't your mother. Nod in sympathy. Bring up something nice that you've recently done. Watch as she tries to suppress a smile and narrows her eyes. Apologize for being a bad husband. Make sure to call her "Pretty Girl" or "Baby Girl." Watch as she tries to hold onto her anger. Her anger is getting slippery and she can't maintain the same grasp. Watch as she sighs, and says you aren't a bad husband. You're actually a pretty amazing husband. Smile at her like she has just offered you the best compliment in the world. Cock your head to the side so that she can see your dimple. When she flashes you a half smile and says that she appreciates you coming to wash the dishes, know that your work is done and you are forgiven. In about two minutes she's going to smile and give you a hug.

Leave some of the dishes "to soak." Two days later, when the wife is upset about the "soaking" dishes that still haven't been washed, repeat the above strategy. This time, you're going to have to offer a present.