Terrified, but intrigued

I've been thinking about whether or not to post about personal topics. On one hand this is a journal of sorts; I go back and look at my old posts to remember and laugh. On the other hand, sometimes one can share too much with the world.

But seeing as how I have about five people that actually read this, I have decided to go for it. Beware that it is going to be completely honest and perhaps a bit uncomfortable.

But if you're anything like me, you will continue reading, now a bit more excited than you started.

We are such creepers.

...

Joseph lost his job. The dream job of working with a start-up company turned into a nightmare. If they hadn't fired him he would have quit. I won't go into the details since I don't really want a slander (libel? I can never keep them straight) lawsuit, but let's just say it was not a pleasant work environment.

Bummer.

The good news is that we can live on what I make. I am so thankful that we bought much less house than we qualified for. We do not have a car payment. We don't pay for TV. That being said, I feel like I make a decent amount, and after going through our budget, I don't know how people who make less than I do can live. And we don't have children. How do they pay for diapers? How do they go on vacation? Just paying for the house, auto insurance, life insurance, 401k, electricity, water, cell phones, Joseph's student loans, and all the other bills, we are barely saving $200/month. Compared to how much we were saving before, it sucks. But still I am thankful, that we are saving even that much. That we have an emergency fund built up, that we have a nice savings cushion.

I do get house envy. We just went to a birthday party and the house we went to has five bedrooms, a beautiful kitchen, a salt water pool, more closet space than I would ever need. But then I remember that I need to count my blessings. That I am very lucky to own my own home. That we have gone to a lot of trouble to paint it, switch out light fixtures, and make it ours. That J has a huge backyard for his garden and his never-ending trees. I am very blessed and I just need to remember it. Happiness doesn't come from things.

So what is J doing? He has started his own business. He is a freelance web designer. He currently has two clients. It has been awesome having him home. At first I could tell he felt a little ashamed about having lost his job. When I came home from work the house was clean, dinner was in preparation, he was eager to show me all he had accomplished throughout the day. I felt bad that he felt those negative feelings, but glad that he was being productive.

If I had come home and found out that he had played video games all day, we would have problems.

I can't wait until his business really gets off the ground. He can do anything he sets his mind to. I can't believe his former company chose to let such a talented individual go. But I won't go there.

Instead, let's talk about babies. J blames HP and her "trapper baby," the baby that is adorable and well behaved and makes the little mothering craving stir up in your chest.

But I blame J. One night I finished reading my book and turned to look at him before turning off my bedside lamp, and I couldn't stop staring at him sleeping. He is my sweetie pie. At times throughout the day, he will look at me and just smile, his eyes crinkling up, his dimple becoming more prominent as his grin stretches, and he looks at me like I am the most precious thing in the world. And I think to myself, I would love to have this man's son.

Oh yes, my mother is going to kill me. I do not want a little girl, I want a little J.

But then the fear grabs hold of my throat. Once you become a mother, you do not ever go back. It is a decision that is permanent. What if I get a terror of a child? My parents have told me enough stories about what a little brat I was. What if my little child gets sick? What if he is bullied in school? What if he has a learning disability? What if he's the cool kid and picks on the other children?

I told J that we will never have a child if we keep over-analyzing it. We need to try to have an oops baby. Yes, trying to have an oops baby is very counter-intuitive. It's my blog and my rules, so if you don't like it go cyber stalk someone else.

I change my mind daily. Hourly. By the minute. Nope, not going to have a child. The J looks over and gives me that heart-breaker smile and it melts my heart. I would love to cuddle a child with that same dimple. But then I am tired at the end of the day and I think, this would be harder with a child needing my attention.

I think I am crazy. But then I talk to people at work. People who can't wait to get away from their spouses, from their children. People who complain about the tantrum their child was throwing this morning. And I think, I am not the crazy one. Maybe the choice to have a baby will keep. I am a few years from 30, I have time. And J and I have always felt good about adopting. There is no ticking biological clock when it comes to adoption.

Sometimes I don't like kids. When they are crying. When they are not cute. Some of my friends have had some really creepy-looking babies. People tell me it's different with your own child. You feel a love you have never felt before. That's a pretty big life choice, and I don't know that I can just take your word for it. Not when in the next breathe you are telling me that you can't wait to have some quiet and get some sleep.

There is one person at work who tells me differently. When she talks about her husband and son, her face lights up. She was getting ready to move this weekend and was telling me that her mother-in-law is taking her son, and her face got cloudy as she told me how much she was going to miss him. My eyes teared up, I couldn't help it, I'm a crier. Why is there only one person at work telling me this? Why does everyone else sneer when they talk about their spouse? Sigh when they talk about the kids?

Joseph informed me that since he is working from home, the responsibilities of child-rearing would fall to him and his stay-at-home, traditional mother would give him grief. But he is also very excited about not having to wear a condom. I haven't been able to take birth control since it started making me depressed. I realize something was seriously wrong when I started googling ways to kill myself and thinking about how I needed to do it when J had a solid alibi so he didn't get convicted of my murder.

Oh yes, I am a planner. And I am also rather upset that my health care provider never once asked me how I was feeling. I had no clue about depression being a potential side effect until I read about it in Reader's Digest.

But that's not what this overall musing is about. It's about the biggest responsibility one can have in life. To welcome a child into the world, to grow the family, to experience lack of sleep, poop explosions, and spit up. To pack luggage before going out into the world because a tiny little child needs so much crap. To commit decades of your life caring for someone who came about by one 15 minute act.

I am terrified, but intrigued.

Beginning of June Randomness

We've been keeping busy.

Swimming in my mom's pool. Watching movies. Going to the library to get books. Working. Designing a graduation card for my sister. Taking the old bricks from my yard and giving them to my mom, so she can put them along her fence to keep the killer neighbor dog away from her dogs. Hanging out with friends. Missing Katelyn, and sending out positive thoughts that she does well selling in Chicago for three months.

We bought a tool chest. Which did not come with assembly instructions.

I guess they figure if you have a need for a tool chest you have enough experience and can figure it out yourself.

And I did.

We took all the curtains down and washed them (that's why you can see the window in this picture). Got rid of about 12 pounds of cat hair.

You think I'm joking.

The trick is to use the "fluff dry" setting on the dryer and not use heat. If you use heat the curtains will shrink. And they won't shrink to the same size. I learned that the hard way. I'm not going to show you though; if you ever come one I'll just hope you don't notice. Because I'm too cheap to buy new curtains. I'd rather buy a facial treatment. Or new shoes. Or pogo sticks from Goodwill.

I thought this cabinet was locked and there were no keys to unlock it. I was going to pick the lock, but first examined the locks on the other two pieces to see which way it turned and where the pins were located. It wasn't locked. There was a large metal bar securing it closed. Once the bar was removed the drawers opened. It was weird. And a manual would have helped. But like I said, I figured it out.

This picture doesn't have to do with anything, except I cracked up when I saw it.

And we visited the cutest boy in the world, HP's son. If you think J looks weird, that's because he didn't want to hold the baby. He tries to stay away from babies.

Look at his cute little feet!

And his tiny ears! What a sweet baby.

Don't Look Me in the Eye

My friend HP had her baby. Remember the blanket my Mom and I made for her (found here)? Well now she gets to use it. (I'm pretty sure that's what she's most excited about.)

I was driving to visit her in the hospital when I realized I had forgotten to stop at the corner Walgreens to get her candy. She loves Skittles and I was also going to pick up some chocolate. So I kept my eye out for a gas station, figuring I would just stop on my way there. I pulled into a Circle K, parked my truck, and walked up to the front. I passed a man and we made eye contact, so I do what I always do and smiled at him. He smiled back and said hello.

This is where I'm a little weird. I'll smile at strangers but I don't actually like talking to them. So I usually go non-verbal. When he said hello I just smiled bigger and kept walking. He decided we needed to have a conversation.

"You have the most beautiful smile!" He told me.
I couldn't ignore that, so I told him thank you. He then asked my name. I felt the corners of my smile starting to turn down; this was getting weird. I told him my name as my hand was on the door ready to pull it open, paused, continued the awkward smile, decided I was done with the exchange, and continued into the store.

I carefully made my candy selections, paid, and exited the store.

Where the man was waiting for me.

I started to walk faster and brightly told him, "Have a good night!" and tried to breeze past him.
"Deidre, right? My name is James." He held out his hand for me to shake. "Deidre you have the most beautiful smile."

Crap, this man is going to try to sell me something. Or ask me for gas money. Or pull out a weapon and force me into his car and my dead body will be found in the morning. I think I have been watching too much Criminal Minds. I bounce on my toes a little to get ready to sprint away as soon as he gives me my hand back. But then he says, "Do you have a business card or something else so that I could contact you...in the future...to continue the conversation?"

He has thrown me. Business card? He wants me to sell him something? I glance down at my outfit. I'm not wearing any sort of company label. What does he think I do for a living? And what conversation does he think we're having?

Oh wait, maybe he's asking me out. What a weird way to ask. But I am the type that needs clarification, so I ask, "You mean a date?"

He responds in the affirmative, so I hold up the diamond on my left hand, wiggle it a little for emphasis, and tell him, "I'm happily married. But thanks for the compliment." And then made my escape.

It was awkward. And weird. The whole business card thing is just throwing me.

But I got to cuddle an adorable baby boy and HP enjoyed her candy, so it was worth it.

I have decided I'm not going to look people in the eye anymore. Because happy people are already happy and don't need my little bit of sunshine anyway. Unhappy people just frown at me. And the socially awkward people take it as an opportunity to be awkward.

May 2012 NY Trip

Or, a second title: Get some Popcorn and Settle in Because it's a Freaking Book

For those of you who like to blog-stalk (as I do)...you're welcome.

Day One: May 16, 2012, Wednesday

Non-stop flight to Newark. We flew in with Deni and Sean the Awesome, grabbed our bags, hopped a train, then the subway, and came to our apartment. You really start to notice how many stairs there are in the world when you're dragging luggage. Our apartment was three bedrooms, two baths, and about 700 square feet. There was enough space in the bedrooms for a bed and that was about it. The main living area was a TV/kitchen/dining room and it was tiny. But we really didn't spend much time in the apartment so it didn't matter.

We were on the sixth floor. There was no elevator. NY (or the sections we were in at least) do not seem to be experiencing the "obesity epidemic." There are a ton of skinny people there. It's also a great place to people-watch. I noticed a few things. No one makes eye contact on the subway. Which makes sense; when you're really packed in there and you're pretty much touching at least three people, you can't be staring at them. It would be weird. And maybe a little dangerous. New Yorkers also walk really fast, dodging and weaving in and out of the crowds. Which we quickly learned to do once Renee and Brett joined us and we were a group of six trying to navigate the crowds and stay together.

We settled into the apartment, then went out to dinner at Gramercy Tavern. It was a bit of a wait, which was an indication of what was to come for the rest of the trip.

Day Two: May 17, 2012, Thursday

We had purchased the City Pass, which gives you vouchers to different tourist attractions. It was nice, because instead of standing in line to buy tickets, we already had ours...at a discount.

This is at 14th and Union; a nice little shopping area and a park. We passed through on our way to the Statue of Liberty.

Joseph was the photographer.

We didn't have to stand in line to buy our Statue of Liberty tickets (thank you City Pass), but it was still an hour and a half wait for the ferry. J and S passed the time by playing Risk.

This was a chair by one of the tables that was selling items. I don't know who dared sit in his chair.

Deni and I found another place to sit. Only day one and our feet were already hurting.

Elmo's butt.

These are pictures J took from the ferry. It was a nice ride over.

Our tour guide was a little quirky. He was really passionate about the Statue and knew all sorts of facts. He also pulled all sorts of little trinkets out of his bag; coins made from the statue and the Brooklyn Bridge, miniature Statue of Liberties that helped fund the real thing, etc.

We didn't get to go inside; no one can, it's under repair. But I don't think I could have made it anyway. The six floors up to the apartment winded me as it was.

We took another ferry over to Ellis Island.

When we were waiting for the ferry back from Ellis Island, Deni decided she wanted some ice cream. Of course when she left the line really started moving. I ran to grab her. We ran back to the line and jumped the fence, just for the line to stop. Deni got to enjoy her ice cream while we waited for the next ferry.

I ended up with a really nice sunburn. We separated after Ellis Island; Sean has family in Stanton Island that he went to visit. J and I went out to dinner, bought some aloe vera, and I went to bed early with a heat headache. That was the only day I didn't feel well, so it wasn't too bad.

Day Three: May 18, 2012, Friday

We went to 30 Rockefeller Center to get tickets; we wanted to see the 30 Rock tour of the studio and also Top of the Rock where you go to the top of the building. While we were checking out the gift shop, we were approached by a guy asking if we wanted to see Jimmy Fallon. We looked at him suspiciously; we had tried to get tickets and he was booked up. The guy explained that Jimmy has a test run for his monologue before the show; he tries out the jokes to ditch the ones that aren't funny. We took the tickets and decided it was worth cutting out some time from our day to see him.

We headed to the Museum of Natural History.

Have you noticed yet that Deni really likes elephants?

And we had to see the dinosaurs.

We also saw the planetarium show. We didn't have much time to walk around, which was a shame, but we took off to make it to Jimmy Fallon's monologue.

J and S are playing risk again. This picture is so cute because of how Deni and Sean are looking at each other. I think it's adorable.

We weren't allowed to take any photos in the studio. The jokes were pretty good. Because it was Friday, we also got to hear the Thank You Notes. Jimmy Fallon seems like a nice guy. One of the ladies ran to get his autograph and totally biffed it down the stairs. He rubbed her shin for her to make it better. Later he joked about how they had bonded, and he had her skin on his fingers. Later that night we watched the show to see which of the jokes had made it.

After the show we had time before our tour, so we headed out again.

If you know J at all, you know he had to see the Apple store.

FAO Schwartz

Then we went to a little bakery in Grand Central Station to get cheesecake. I found a chocolate cupcake that looked just like a Hostess muffin. Delicious.

We ran back and made it just in time for our tour of the station. While we were waiting for the elevator, we saw a few celebrities. We saw Jimmy Fallon again, Robin from How I Met Your Mother, and Sean saw someone I didn't recognize - J Pharaoh from SNL. We'd heard that Tom Selleck was going to be on Jimmy Fallon's show that night, but didn't see him, much to Deni and my disappointment. We  weren't allowed to take pictures inside. We saw the studio for Dr. Oz, saw how SNL does the make-up/masks, saw Jimmy Fallon's studio (again).

The tour guide asked for volunteers who could read at a third grade level. When people were sluggish to volunteer he said we should definitely work on our reading skills. Sean and J volunteered. It ended up being a recorded video with Sean as the anchorman and J as the weatherman. J didn't have his glasses, so he was squinting, and he looked like he was glaring at the monitor. It was hilarious and I couldn't help cracking up. I'll have to see if I can post the video - it was worth the jacked up price.

After the tour we grabbed a bit to eat, and then it was time for Top of the Rock.

The city is really beautiful at night.

After Top of the Rock, we went to grab pizza. This is the Joe's Pizza that has a scene in Spiderman.

Day Four: May 19, 2012, Saturday

Instead of bagels for breakfast, we got donuts from some fancy shop. Sean had researched all the popular and tasty places to go, so we had been trying different places. When anyone would ask me how I liked something, I would answer honestly, "It tastes like a bagel/donut/slice of pizza." J informed everyone that I have no taste buds.

After breakfast we did a little shopping. I was done looking around and found J by the clearance jeans. I stood next to him and kind of zoned out for about 30 seconds, just thinking whatever random thoughts I happened to be thinking. When I came back down to earth, I turned and looked at J.

Except it wasn't J. It was one of those skinny boys that are everywhere in NY. I tried to act casual as I slowly inched away.

Then we met up with Renee and Brett (they flew in from Boston) and went to the Ground Zero memorial.

There are two of these pools of water. I think they are the footprints of where the buildings were. The names of the victims are etched onto the sides of the pools.

Renee and Brett. I love Brett's face. There's another picture where he is smiling, but I think this one is better.

This is the Survivor Tree.

Grimaldi's for dinner. There was a ridiculously long line. Which made our aching feet groan. We were sure it was going to be a few hour wait, but it only ended up being 45 minutes. But while we waited...

Renee told Brett and J that they looked like they were in a boy band. 

Sorry Brett. Not a good day for you and photos.

After dinner (which tasted like pizza), Renee said she wanted to walk the Brooklyn Bridge. I thought it was going to be weird, walking up against traffic. But it was actually pretty awesome.

This is what J looked like the entire time. But he got some really awesome shots.

After the Brooklyn Bridge we got dessert at Serendipity's. I was mad at J here so I wasn't cooperating for the picture. That is a $8.50 frozen hot chocolate.

It tasted like a milkshake.

When we went to Serendipity's it was our first cab ride (before we had just stuck with the subway). Cab rides in NY are quite the experience. Cab drivers think the lane lines are a suggestion, and weave in and out of traffic just like the pedestrians weave in and out of a crowd, much too close for comfort. I really don't know how I didn't witness any accidents. New Yorkers also have a propensity to walk against the light (casually checking to make sure traffic is clear), which just added to the craziness.

Day Five: May 20, 2012, Sunday

We went to Times Square to buy tickets for a Broadway show. Times Square is crazy. But the tickets are half off than what you'll spend online. We ended up getting tickets to an off-broadway play. Then we headed out to The Met.

This pointing picture is for HP

This wasn't at the Met, this was just on our way walking somewhere.

The play NEWSical made fun of different things – from politics to celebrities to people who call themselves Christian but judge others. There was a skit about these 80-year-old women (one was a man dressed in drag) who were excited about Ashton Kutcher being single. It was pretty funny. 

Times Square at night. I can't remember why we went back.

Day Six: May 21, 2012, Monday

It rained on Monday. I hate the rain. We bought umbrellas which promptly broke...but still got the job done.

This lady is walking her pig.

We went to the Empire State Building. The employees tried to discourage us, saying that there was zero visibility. It was our last day in NY, so we trekked on. There was no line, which was awesome.

It ended up being a spectacular view.

You can thank J for the above photos. I was inside, where it was not wet. I took this picture of him through the window. He took those photos with his phone, not wanting to bring the nice camera out into the rain. They're kind of amazing.

We went out to lunch at Carnegie Deli. This is one sandwich.

We also went to MoMA (Museum of Modern Art). I either don't have the appropriate appreciation for art, or the people who like this stuff are crazy. I'm leaning toward the latter. The exhibit behind J is green fabric over a board. Really?

Here is some sort of wheel...on a stool. This is art? I could do this. It reminds me of that documentary Exit through the Gift Shop (although I recently heard it wasn't a true documentary...I've been meaning to research that). But if you've seen the movie, you know what I'm taking about. How does someone become an artist anyway?

At this point we'd accomplished just about everything we had wanted to, so we split up. J and I went shopping - he'd been talking about needing a new suit for months now.

We found him two. And they were awesome deals.

This is one of the jokes that was ongoing throughout the trip, "Like a Boss." Sean and Deni weren't with us, so we took the picture for Sean.

Our last night on the town, all dressed up to go out. I had to buy a new dress because my sunburn looked weird in the dress I bought. What a shame (ha). My only disappointment is that my hair wouldn't stay curled because of the humidity.

This was so cool. It's called Please Don't Tell and it was really hard to get a reservation - Sean had to call 34 times and just barely made it. You walk into this tiny little hot dog restaurant with an innocent looking phone booth.

You go into the phone booth and push the number one and the back compartment opens up into a speakeasy.

This was still in the hotdog place.

The speakeasy was much darker.

Day Seven: May 22, 2012, Tuesday

Some rare down time. Getting ready to go home. We booked a shuttle, which was just a crazy a ride as the taxi.

Finally, some random thoughts/memories.

The subway wasn't what I was expecting. The “tube” in London is very clear cut and there aren’t very many lines. The NY subway has quite a few different lines and you have to go down the right station. It was pretty confusing, but luckily there is an app for that.

Deni asked me if I wanted to hear something gross. I thought about this. J responded for me, “She wants to know how gross.” Deni said it was pretty gross. I contemplated this, opened my mouth, but J beat me to it, “She doesn’t want to hear it if it has to do with blood.” I told him to quit reading my mind. Deni proceeded to tell me about a rat she saw in our building.

We were walking up from the subway and the group in front of us was talking and laughing. One guy was singing, “A sinful, miracle, lyrical. You’ve saved my life again and I want you to know baby.” He paused, so I picked up for him, “I – I love you like a love song baby.” 

Sean had some sugar and was acting a little hyper. Which is funny because he’s a very mature, well-spoken man. Deni said, “He can only have sugar in small quantities.” Sean giggled and said, “She said titties.”

On the subway, a man was with his two young daughters and one was crying. He handed the crying daughter a sippy cup and she quieted down. He announced, “You can find the solution to all your problems at the bottom of a bottle.”

I saw a poster that I really liked, and I almost took a picture but I was in an area where I didn’t want to look like a tourist. It said, “NYC: Tolerant of your beliefs, judgmental of your shoes.”