Conversations with J

J and I were sitting on the couch. J was working on his computer and I was watching the Netflix show Grace and Frankie. It's about two women who don't like each other, but their husbands are business partners. And also gay lovers. So the first show starts with the two men meeting their wives in a restaurant and announcing that they are leaving their wives. A scene ensues.

Me: If you ever decide to leave me and you do it in a public restaurant, I will stab you with a fork.
J: (Hysterical laugher)

Me: Why are you laughing? This is serious.

J: Because I was waiting for you to say something! Whenever you watch a show or read a book where a man is being a jerk to a woman, you take it out on me.

Me: But you won’t ever leave me?

J: I won’t ever leave you.

Me: Promise? You won’t fall in love with your business partner Cody?

J: Ew. If I were gay, he’s not my type. Will Smith is my type. You know, hypothetically, and I’m not gay, this is just hypothetically…I’d like to think that if I were gay, we could still be friends.

Me: Yeah, I feel like we could still be best friends if that happened. Except I would be pissed with you because that meant you’d been lying the whole time.

J: I could have turned gay.

Me: YOU DON’T TURN GAY.

J: Hey, did you know one of our neighbors has a wifi name “Tell my wifi love her?”